the last chapter

here's another entry of something I started working on a few years back.


No. 13
To describe the most prominent and relevant events of one's life can be somewhat rewarding and painful. For some, looking back on certain moments can be a pleasure to revel in what they have accomplished and achieved or left behind. Not for me however as I've done many things in my life, of which most we're wrong, evil, bad or whatever you want to call it. I know this and I accept it, that's why I'm here in this cell. But if there ever was one moment in my life where I knew that things we're "right" or "good", it was when I met her. Alessandra was her name and boy did I go gaga. My father had a saying he used to say to me that always comes to mind when I think of that first encounter with her, "Son you may be rich and have all this and that, but at the end of the day if you have no one to share it with, what's the point to anything, so find a good girl and love her unfailingly, with all your heart". I hate to admit it, my father had a point. He was right then and he's right now, I only wish I would have taken his advice and not screwed up things so much.

Fuck I hate this! My mind is so cluttered with emotions and passions that have been kept locked up for so many years that dealing with them has rendered me almost incapacitated. I only have 2 1/2 weeks left before my execution and all I can do is write. I can't eat, I've lost nearly 15 pounds over the last month, I can't sleep, I can't do anything, all I do is think. I want to get this out of me before it's too late. My heart needs me to.

Even now I remember that day as if it were yesterday. Alessandra had locked eyes with me as I was passing Pedro in his study. I'd been at his mansion for weeks now and had never even heard or seen of her. Her radiant beauty caught me and stilted my soul. I'd never felt that way about anything, to have this feeling of "I'd do anything for you" rushing up from my toes to my head made me feel, to be blunt almost lightheaded. As Pedro continued on to his study I stopped and stared at her, as she did to me. At the time I was almost 23 and starting to finally enjoy my appearance, which of late had been the appearance of a randy haired boy with the odd bit of facial hair in the worst possible places. But at that moment I didn't care, I just reacted and moved forward. She had the air of someone much older than her age, I presumed her to be around 17 or 18, but I didn't care, she was an ageless angel to me.

As I write this, I can only look back and realize my youthful exuberance. Boy I had it bad for her at that moment. I do realize that it was just a moment, but to me it was the best and longest moment of my life. And seriously isn't that really what life is?, a series of moments put together to form a life. Whatever you want to call it, I just love remembering my unjaded self. Life really is a bitch and it can certainly fuck you up, even to the point of where you give up. I'm trying desperately not to do that right now, even if my life has no meaning anymore. Remembering is all I have, all I can live for, I need to continue doing it or there will be no reason to live on these last few days.

Continuing on with my life's most memorable moment, Alessandra moved with me as we continued to get closer. I just wanted to hear her voice, to see how she moved her lips and everything else. However, like most things we want in life, we have to be patient and that's just what happened to me then. For Pedro came by my side and called me to come with him, something urgent had happened. Worst timing ever! But just as he was pulling my away, I continued to look at her, hoping to never leave her gaze. I said goodbye, wishing she would say the same, but she said nothing. She just walked away, smiling.

When she was out of site, Pedro who had noticed my admiration with his niece immediately took instant action to let me know how he felt about it. She was to be off limits, no questions asked. She had been promised for another. I was left reeling, like I'd been hit with a ton of bricks, with the words off limits and taken resonating in my mind over and over.
Fuck!
This wasn't the end of it.
It couldn't be.