"pardon me, but do you have any grey poupon?"

Okay so yesterday was my day off, my first in what felt like years. Typically on these days I try my damdest to be productive in some way. I want to emphasize the "try" because it doesn't always end up that way but hey at least I'm optimistic. Anyway...since I wasn't hung over I spent yesterday making and hanging some art pieces for my little castle. One of my closest friends had the priviledge of staying with me last week and well she kind of suggested I put some love and tlc into my little dwelling as to her it seemed rather empty and lacking in character. Not taking her criticsm to heart I felt compelled to do something about it.

As the day progressed the whole process actually gave me a sense of pride and joy, especially since all that was going up was of my creation. Originally I wanted to buy and put up some wicked stuff but I could never find anything I liked so I just figured fuck it I'll make my own shit. Now I'll be the first to say that I'm no artist by any stretch, I've never painted and what little drawing I've done in the past was of nothing to brag about, however, this wasn't going to deter me. I was excited to fuck up and have some fun. So then there I am last night hanging some stuff when in the distance of my neighbouring apartment I hear " she's a babe! Shwing!!! ", which could only have come from one of the best early 90's comedies ever Wayne's World. Why I'm bringing this up is this, one, I haven't seen this movie in ages and boy does it bring back some amazing memories. My favorite being my older sis and I singing Queen's "bohemian rhapsody" full tilt while driving to school. Epic!!! And secondly, how it totally captures the fun and exuberent youth culture of that time period so flawlessly. The humour and sheer comic genius of Mike Myers and Dana Carvey can't be ignored or forgotten. After hearing my neighbours quote I quickly ran to my tube box and found the show at the best point ever. I must point out how awesome that is, to turn on ones tv randomly and land on the best part of the show couldn't get any better. It's like going to the club and meeting the girl of your dreams and having her make out with you immediately. You can't plan it, you just hope for it and when it happens nothing is better.
** side note... That's actually happened to me before, thought I'd brag a little (hehe)

where was I? Oh yeah..In this case I landed on the moment where Wayne is introducing himself to Tia Carere's character after she's just kicked ass with some punk kids in the audience. His line is priceless "Rough night huh? Everybodies Kung Fu fighting!" omg!!!! Gold baby, that's gold! (now if you've never seen this movie then you might not get the awkwardness felt here, let's just say she's Asian and leave it at that). Anyways, after landing on that moment I was hooked, canvas hanging could wait, my inner juvenile wanted more. May I remind you that I'm now 30, an awkward age I must declare. You're no longer young and in your dumb 20's which is good but you're also
neither old enough to have any sense of life validation or achievement, hence limbo zone. 30 to me is the age where you wake the heck up and go "oh shit!, I better make something of myself or I'm fucked". It's weird how social pressures to being something or someone have rendered my generation a group of either over achievers who work hard or somehow luck out or a group (most of us) who under achieve miserably wherein we either give up or have babies. Lately I know so many couples having kids at merely some desperate attempt to fill their lives with something, it's like they're saying "well my life sucks, maybe if I have a kid I can make theirs better". Which I guess is a noble idea, but then there it is, you see what I mean your 30's are fucked, they either cause you to panic and freak out about how fast life is moving or how crummy your life really is.

ANYWAY..... Wayne's World is gold. I spent the rest of my night wanting and dreaming of being Wayne Campbell. From his awesome torn jeans and black t outfit to his quick comic wit, his life seemed so fun and carefree. I mean who could pass up a night of the boys singing to queen in the mirth mobile while calling Meatloaf "tiny" to having the "you're mental" Lara Flynn Boyle as my ex girlfriend. Wayne had it all, even the grey poupon and the "exsqueeze me? Baking powder?".

"Yes oh yes, it will be mine, oh yes it will"

anyways, art, red wine and Wayne, not a bad night off I must say. NOT!

Ps. To all my baby having friends out there. Kidding!!!! I love you. :)

unfinished business

If you had to deliver to someone the facts and events of your past what would you give them? One's life has so many perilous actions that choosing even a few would seem rather mute. To say the least it would require a mind unfettered by personal convictions and human judgements. I sit here in this cell contemplating these thoughts because I want others to know my story and the tragedy that it's now become. As it stands now, I have exactly 30 days to live before my execution. Fear cripples at my soul every time I think of it, to know one's day of death is a difficult thing to comprehend, let alone accept. This fear I have has helped me purify my soul and open my heart. I now understand what life truly can be when you let it exact it's purpose upon your soul. I have so many thougths pouring through my mind daily that it's made me want speak of fortunes I once squandered and troubles I once created. The subject you are about to read is my life in its entirety, frame by frame as I remember it, un edited, and full of events good and bad. I urge you to read and learn from my life, to
grow and listen to my heart as it will invariably fall into your hands. As it stands now I fully engage your hearts to understanding mine.

Sincerely,

Samuel French
inmate 647183
october 29th, 2006

I've been there

"Very soon, I will have nothing more to say, and we will be sitting across
from each other at breakfast, completely devoid of banter; she will feel betrayed
and foolish, and I will suddenly find myself actively trying to avoid spending
time with a woman I didn't deserve to be with in the first place"

questions remain

Whether or not you feel something or not is arbitrary
questions remain to be answered as enemy lines have been drawn
people come and go but so will I
you remember things this day and the next
but then will you do something
will you smile for me again?

Untitled

So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.

- George Jung -

The Ginger Man and his influence

Just finished reading one of the most fascinating books ever. Set in Dublin, Ireland J.P. Donleavy's "The Ginger Man" is a glorious novel set around one scoundrel of a protagonist. The life of Sebastian Dangerfield in this picaresque story blew me away. I was floored at how one man could devilishly destroy the lives of so many people in such a charming and oftentimes poetic manner. His life was a dream of sorts, to have the wherewithal to scam your way through so many situations was not only fascinating but in a way admirable. I'm not saying I support his lifestyle choices but to read and see this characters actions gave me pause as to what it would be like to live as he does.

More importantly this isn't the first time I've been presented with such a charged and opposite personality than my own. As a young and naive faced 20 year old I read one intriguing and very disturbing book by the acclaimed and very celebrated Brett Easton Ellis. For most of you, this authors name begins and ends with the much debated and oftentimes hated "American Psycho". Since I was such a young and innocent soul, reading about this character Patrick Bateman I was presented with something so beyond my realm of thought that it in fact captivated me to wanting to become him. Okay so try not to take that quite so literal, I'm not into killing folk but the idea and sheer madness you would need to posess such a soul brought me such intrigue.

I guess the phrase "he who is wants to be another" aptly applies here. Anyways, if you're into books of debauchery and absolute ludeness grab yourself a copy of Donleavy's finest "The Ginger Man".

Later.

She was...

...everything I could have ever
wanted and more

I touched her
smelled her
and danced with her

blissful nights were had
dreams shared
hearts pure

our moment
will not be forgotten

Ughhh. so depressing....

Firstly I want to point out how much I love my new iPhone. Whomever the dork out there is who came up with the idea for this little bundle of adult joy truly needs to be hugged and kissed repeatedly or given some sort of oral sex, depending on which sex he or she is. I'm serious by the way. This fucking little toy blows my mind, I mean you can talk to your bud while searching for porn (hehe...if you know me y'know I'm not a
fan, but I mean come on that blip wouldn't have sounded as good had I used another example). Any who, I will admit that writing on your blog while using said toy is fun but tiresome. Where am I going with this?

Oh yeah, as my title will announce for you, I am depressed. Why? Well let me see, it's not summer just yet, I'm officially 30 and I can't hear out of my right ear (more on that in a later post). But hey those particulars are nothing compared to the article I've just read about the worlds greatest Pinot noir makers, Domaine de la Romanee Conti. Burgandies finest has proved insatiable for decades now. Producing the best Pinot imaginable. As an avid wine lover I'd always dreamt of tasting or sampling a bottle, but as I've learnt today that dream may never happen. Why? Because the shit is way more expensive than I'd originally thought, way more!

Okay so you're sitting there going," that's it, that's why you're upset, grow up" but I mean come on, this is sad, it's like learning that you, said grade 9 dork student will never ever have a chance at lacy lane the schools prettiest girl. I mean if you can't dream than what's the point in living. Okay so that might be a tad over dramatic but well you get my point.

To give you some idea of how expensive a bottle goes for think of this, a bottle of La Tache from 1990 went for a stagering 22,000 DOLLARS!!!! For ONE bottle!!!! Yikes!!! You rich french bastards, how dare you sell your wine that high, have you forgotten about the common man? Grrrrr! I do get it however, Yaletown rich pigs who drink grey goose need some expensive wines to boast to show off for
their hussy girlfriends. I get it. :)

Ah but I have a plan, I'm gonna move to France, use my french(thank you mom) and steal me some. The movie Robin Hood is coming out soon and I feel a little Russel Crowe in me. Speaking of Mr. Crowe, I actually met the guy once in Toronto. He was there filming the crap movie Cinderella man. I was out with my buddy one night at this bar called Hemingways, we were having a great time, being merry and such when all of a sudden i've gotta take a piss. Surprise, surprise!! Anyways while alone in said washroom relieving myself, in steps mr.
Crowe. Not realizing at first who'd just come in,( I was peeing so I couldn't see), when all of a sudden Russ is standing next to me with his Johnson out. Drunk as a skunk the boy peed away while babbling on and on. Standing there in such a precarious way I wasn't sure what to do, I mean how often do you get such a big celebrity right next to you all alone. Once, maybe twice in a lifetime. But how to proceed?

Before I continue I must list for you the edicate of the male urinal, especially for all you woman out there. Well it isn't a list per se but merely a guideline, keep your eyes forward or down and never ever look to your right or left. Sounds simple enough. Break these rules and you risk either seeing something very humourous or a black eye. Humourous usually happens...well at least that's what I've heard. Wink! Wink! :

Anyways so there I was, looking dead ahead trying to find a way in, what do i do? What do I do? It's my only chance! But just as I was about to Blurb out some stupid one liner, Russ jumps in and says "what's up?".

What? What? Who says that in the Jon?

Anyways, my celebrity drunkard companion finished before I did and left promptly after. So here in is my point, one I can really pee, what the hell Jamie, he started after you and finished before you! Second was my perplexed demeanour after his hello, I was at a loss, just as if I were in grade 9 and lacy lane had come in contact with me and said hi, I'd have been stunned and full of "bahhh ummm"

Anyways back to my robbery, I go in all bats styles and jump ship with a few cases. Easy peacy! Okay so I'm kidding, but it would be fun. Maybe I could piss on the grapes while I was in there. Hehe. :)

Long story short, I need to make more money!

Later.

Don't you care just enough?

I'll never be able to say goodbye
whenever someone talks of theirs
i try to pretend to not care,
to shake it off,
to shake you off.

It's been a long time,
a very long and hard fucking time.
where were you when I needed you,
when I need you now.

I dream every so often
that you never existed.

Don't you care just enough?
Don't you feel your heart stop?

I'm here, alive and well
all you have to do is find me,
say you're sorry.

All I want is for you to care
no I can't see it at all
you've missed out.
I'll never cry for you again, I'm done

Don't you care just enough??
Don't you feel your heart stop?

All I ever wanted was you
but I know you are afraid
your past is what you fear.

It's a long way down from here
you'll never forget what was yours
my dream of you is lost

Don't you care just enough?
Don't you feel your heart stop?

Will you take my hand
stand beside and run
if your heart stops will you say goodbye

will you let me pass?
Every shadow of me is you
this is the end

don't you try to explain
you can't, your frail and old
you've hit bottom

don't you care just enough?
Don't you feel your heart stop?

It's a long way out
it's a long way out