No. 5
If there is one satisfying ingredient to my life, it’s that I never gave up, I was always a fighter. Even as I sit here now, writing this 5th entry, I am still fighting, for survival, for remembrance, but mostly I'm fighting for the fight itself. My father always told me that "life is a series of battles son, and the ones who succeed in it are the ones who choose to never give up, to always keep fighting". Looking back on it now, I realize that I did just that. Not always in the right form, but I did fight. When my father died, I was 12 and taken for captive by a man who knew no boundaries when it came to his wants. He saw me as a symbol of redemption and of power. He wanted me alive and in his presence to let anyone know that if you ever crossed him he would not only kill you but he would destroy your family as well. And destroy doesn't even come to describe what he did to my life; the shit he made me do was unbelievable, it still gives me shivers just thinking of it. You see Frieder was it; he was the man who controlled it all. He had his hands in everything, from trafficking drugs and weapons to infiltrating corporations, government agencies and politicians, Frieder did it all. His power thirst was amazing, and I was to become his main protégé. I still believe to this day that if he had had any children when my father was killed I would have died as well, but since he didn't I believe he kept me alive to pass on his life's work. When he sent me to Washington to be with his brother, Henry and his son Dallas, it was then that I knew I was going to be his student. For 7 long years Henry looked after me and trained me at his private military school with his son. Dallas and I would spend our time competing in any and everything imaginable. It was during this time in my life that I truly developed a sense of hate and loathing for life and the world. I wanted to crush everything around me, I hated anybody who experienced joy, and it made me sick. To me it wasn't possible anymore, so I did whatever I could to make people around me feel just like I did, which was miserable. And luckily for Frieder, who enjoyed seeing me like this, he knew exactly how to exploit it; my anger was to be his way of increasing his hold on me. He knew that by catering to my need for destruction that I would not only eventually enjoy it but also become good at it. I was to become a killing machine. The first time it happened was when I was 16. Frieder, Henry, Dallas and I, plus a few associates would make the trip to Columbia where we would try and finalize an agreement with a local drug cartel. They we're to become our number one distributors in the south western US. Upon arrival Frieder had me come with him as we met with the Cartel's leader, Omar Iglesias. As Frieder met with Omar, I was asked to follow one of Omar's associates to a nearby ranch where I would wait things out until they're return. Little did I know that what I was about to encounter would become the worst 3 days of my life. Frieder had let me go as a test of loyalty and to see if I could survive on my own. I would be tortured and beaten for 2 days, where I would eventually be given the choice of my survival or I could kill an innocent pregnant woman. It was to be my first test of loyalty to Frieder, for that woman was one of Omar's enemy's wife and her dismissal was to be taken as a first rate business transaction between Omar and Frieder. If I didn't do it, I would die and Frieder would have hell to pay. Broken, beaten and barely able to move, I rose up from the pool of blood around me and took the gun in front of me, stared her in the face as she cried with much empathy and unloaded 4 shots into her without flinching. He knew I'd do it and he loved that I did. I finally felt better.
No. 6
"Exacting revenge on someone you hate can become an obsession, one that can consume and destroy not only the life you’re after but yours as well. So before you decide on that course of action, I want you to ask yourself something. Do you really hate what I've done for you? Do you really know the whole story? Before you choose to pursue the end my life, think of it, your father first and foremost worked for me, this should remain clear to you. He sought me out, not the other way around, and I took him in on his request. So his involvement in my life was his fault, he knew the consequences of crossing me, he'd seen it before, and he had to expect it to happen to him. He chose to become greedy and it cost him his life, your mothers and potentially yours. But it doesn't have to. You can change things, become my pupil and help me exact my purpose. You have this one chance to accept this, my terms stand only now. I've just told you of your mother’s death, your 19 and you have a bright future ahead of you, but I can end it right now, just like that. So you better fucking think kid, I will only say this once. What's it going to be? Will you let it go?" I never answered him. I just stood there stunned and in complete shock of what he had just told me. I was dead. His words resonated so deep within my soul that it made me realize that I had no choice in the matter. Enacting revenge on him would be stupid; he knew it and he would be expecting it. I always found it funny that he chose that day, my 19th birthday to tell me of my mother’s death, he said that he had chosen then because he thought that I couldn't have handled it earlier. But for some reason I felt that he did it for another reason, to facilitate his telling me that day was for his gain, for him to warn me and to challenge me. You see Frieder wasn't exactly normal, he was this insane motherfucker, he loved his ego and he loved showing it. I think he told me because deep down he wanted me to make a move at him, to see if I actually would, like your older, bigger brother slapping you in the face and saying "What are you gonna do about it?", even though you know that if you retaliated it would mean a good ass whopping. So that's it, what do you do? Do you submit and become his bitch? Accept that he killed your parents, and become his partner? Or do you do what I did instead?
No. 7
You would think that my decision would have been an easy one to make... hardly. I stood there for a few minutes trying to figure out a way to get him back for all of this, when it dawned on me why I was hesitating. For all that he had done to me and my family, the hell that he had committed, I couldn't hate him. I'd been with him for 7 years and in that time he had had time to change me, to execute his hold and his will upon me, for me the loss of my parents had been so long ago that they're memory seemed of another life. I now wanted his life, I wanted to become his partner, and I wanted to become Frieder. But I did hesitate, and for that I knew that I still had a part of the old me inside, one I thought I had lost the day I got on to that plane. But my hesitation was short lived and if I was to join Frieder and his crew, I had to show him that I was growing up, that I was becoming a man and that his respect for me was going to be important. He needed to understand that I wasn't going to become his bitch. I had to get him back in some way just so he could respect me on another level, the one of an equal. "Put your hand out you motherfucker!, if you want me to be your pupil, you have to do something for me, for my parents, you took them away from me so I have to take something away from you. This way we have each lost something. I want your pinkie finger, and you’re going to let me cut it off. That's my only proposition, you can kill me now or what not, I don't fucking care, you've taken from me what mattered most. I don't have much to live for these days, except for this. I do enjoy making money and making others suffer for our gains. Frieder you've taught me well, you've given me something and I've gained a thirst for it, and this is why I will join you as a pupil. I may only be 19 now, but I've spent the last 7 years learning and I'm now ready to contribute. Your operations have grown and you will need my help. So I guess I'm propositioning you now, a finger for a partner". Upon hearing this, Frieder took a step back and sat down in his chair. I was terrified at what he was going to say, or how he would react. What I had just asked would probably get any other man killed, but for some reason I didn't care, I wanted him to pay. He scared me, but that look in his eyes, those dark eyes gave me a sense that he really did need me, that he was sincere in his admittion of help, and I sensed it. But his reaction was slow and pensive, which scared me even more. Even as he rose, he came towards me like a lion would do as it marked its prey, calm and deadly. But then he did what I hadn't expected, he put out both his hands and said "Which hand". Still sweating and stunned like shit, I was like, Fuck me! He’s going to let me cut off his pinkie; he's really going to let me do it. It was then that I knew I had him, that his empire was mine and that this was the dawn of a new day. He was ageing and this act was his demonstration to me that he needed me more than I needed him. I almost smiled.
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