therapy

The amount of regret I feel in the pit of my stomach each and every time I think back to my days as a track and field athlete makes me wanna be sick. It's so hard for me at times I'm almost brought to fits. That time for me was so excruciatingly painful I sometimes wonder why I continued on with it. When I left that part of me by the wayside I thought it would be forever. In hindsight, that was very foolish of me, as with anything those memories will always be there, even if I wish they weren't.

What pains me the most is not the lack of winning or camaraderie most desire when they pursue a goal, it's the lack of intelligence I exuded. Thinking back on how I was then I'm dumfounded as to what I was thinking at times. Nothing it seems.

I realize these actions take place more often than not in most peoples lives, where we inevitably look back on a time and wish we'd done something different. My understanding of this isn't what pains me, it's the fact that I feel as if my time spent trying at this sport to this day has added very little to my life in terms of learning or experience. What I'm trying to get at is I feel like I could have just as easily spent those years doing something else more productive. Right now I feel cheated out of life. My years 16- 23 make me sick. What a fucking waste.

When people ask me why I oftentimes act younger than I am, I usually tell them some bullshit line with little thought, when deep down inside what I want to tell them is "hey I'm an idiot, I blew 7 great years on a shitty sport when most develop some sense of themselves doing something productive that will actually help them down the road".

What was it all for?

Those years brought me nothing but a mountain of debt, a broken heart, too many tears and one lonely fucking existence.

No wonder I'm cold, bitter and jaded. Who the fuck wouldn't be.