"pardon me, but do you have any grey poupon?"

Okay so yesterday was my day off, my first in what felt like years. Typically on these days I try my damdest to be productive in some way. I want to emphasize the "try" because it doesn't always end up that way but hey at least I'm optimistic. Anyway...since I wasn't hung over I spent yesterday making and hanging some art pieces for my little castle. One of my closest friends had the priviledge of staying with me last week and well she kind of suggested I put some love and tlc into my little dwelling as to her it seemed rather empty and lacking in character. Not taking her criticsm to heart I felt compelled to do something about it.

As the day progressed the whole process actually gave me a sense of pride and joy, especially since all that was going up was of my creation. Originally I wanted to buy and put up some wicked stuff but I could never find anything I liked so I just figured fuck it I'll make my own shit. Now I'll be the first to say that I'm no artist by any stretch, I've never painted and what little drawing I've done in the past was of nothing to brag about, however, this wasn't going to deter me. I was excited to fuck up and have some fun. So then there I am last night hanging some stuff when in the distance of my neighbouring apartment I hear " she's a babe! Shwing!!! ", which could only have come from one of the best early 90's comedies ever Wayne's World. Why I'm bringing this up is this, one, I haven't seen this movie in ages and boy does it bring back some amazing memories. My favorite being my older sis and I singing Queen's "bohemian rhapsody" full tilt while driving to school. Epic!!! And secondly, how it totally captures the fun and exuberent youth culture of that time period so flawlessly. The humour and sheer comic genius of Mike Myers and Dana Carvey can't be ignored or forgotten. After hearing my neighbours quote I quickly ran to my tube box and found the show at the best point ever. I must point out how awesome that is, to turn on ones tv randomly and land on the best part of the show couldn't get any better. It's like going to the club and meeting the girl of your dreams and having her make out with you immediately. You can't plan it, you just hope for it and when it happens nothing is better.
** side note... That's actually happened to me before, thought I'd brag a little (hehe)

where was I? Oh yeah..In this case I landed on the moment where Wayne is introducing himself to Tia Carere's character after she's just kicked ass with some punk kids in the audience. His line is priceless "Rough night huh? Everybodies Kung Fu fighting!" omg!!!! Gold baby, that's gold! (now if you've never seen this movie then you might not get the awkwardness felt here, let's just say she's Asian and leave it at that). Anyways, after landing on that moment I was hooked, canvas hanging could wait, my inner juvenile wanted more. May I remind you that I'm now 30, an awkward age I must declare. You're no longer young and in your dumb 20's which is good but you're also
neither old enough to have any sense of life validation or achievement, hence limbo zone. 30 to me is the age where you wake the heck up and go "oh shit!, I better make something of myself or I'm fucked". It's weird how social pressures to being something or someone have rendered my generation a group of either over achievers who work hard or somehow luck out or a group (most of us) who under achieve miserably wherein we either give up or have babies. Lately I know so many couples having kids at merely some desperate attempt to fill their lives with something, it's like they're saying "well my life sucks, maybe if I have a kid I can make theirs better". Which I guess is a noble idea, but then there it is, you see what I mean your 30's are fucked, they either cause you to panic and freak out about how fast life is moving or how crummy your life really is.

ANYWAY..... Wayne's World is gold. I spent the rest of my night wanting and dreaming of being Wayne Campbell. From his awesome torn jeans and black t outfit to his quick comic wit, his life seemed so fun and carefree. I mean who could pass up a night of the boys singing to queen in the mirth mobile while calling Meatloaf "tiny" to having the "you're mental" Lara Flynn Boyle as my ex girlfriend. Wayne had it all, even the grey poupon and the "exsqueeze me? Baking powder?".

"Yes oh yes, it will be mine, oh yes it will"

anyways, art, red wine and Wayne, not a bad night off I must say. NOT!

Ps. To all my baby having friends out there. Kidding!!!! I love you. :)

unfinished business

If you had to deliver to someone the facts and events of your past what would you give them? One's life has so many perilous actions that choosing even a few would seem rather mute. To say the least it would require a mind unfettered by personal convictions and human judgements. I sit here in this cell contemplating these thoughts because I want others to know my story and the tragedy that it's now become. As it stands now, I have exactly 30 days to live before my execution. Fear cripples at my soul every time I think of it, to know one's day of death is a difficult thing to comprehend, let alone accept. This fear I have has helped me purify my soul and open my heart. I now understand what life truly can be when you let it exact it's purpose upon your soul. I have so many thougths pouring through my mind daily that it's made me want speak of fortunes I once squandered and troubles I once created. The subject you are about to read is my life in its entirety, frame by frame as I remember it, un edited, and full of events good and bad. I urge you to read and learn from my life, to
grow and listen to my heart as it will invariably fall into your hands. As it stands now I fully engage your hearts to understanding mine.

Sincerely,

Samuel French
inmate 647183
october 29th, 2006

I've been there

"Very soon, I will have nothing more to say, and we will be sitting across
from each other at breakfast, completely devoid of banter; she will feel betrayed
and foolish, and I will suddenly find myself actively trying to avoid spending
time with a woman I didn't deserve to be with in the first place"

questions remain

Whether or not you feel something or not is arbitrary
questions remain to be answered as enemy lines have been drawn
people come and go but so will I
you remember things this day and the next
but then will you do something
will you smile for me again?

Untitled

So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.

- George Jung -

The Ginger Man and his influence

Just finished reading one of the most fascinating books ever. Set in Dublin, Ireland J.P. Donleavy's "The Ginger Man" is a glorious novel set around one scoundrel of a protagonist. The life of Sebastian Dangerfield in this picaresque story blew me away. I was floored at how one man could devilishly destroy the lives of so many people in such a charming and oftentimes poetic manner. His life was a dream of sorts, to have the wherewithal to scam your way through so many situations was not only fascinating but in a way admirable. I'm not saying I support his lifestyle choices but to read and see this characters actions gave me pause as to what it would be like to live as he does.

More importantly this isn't the first time I've been presented with such a charged and opposite personality than my own. As a young and naive faced 20 year old I read one intriguing and very disturbing book by the acclaimed and very celebrated Brett Easton Ellis. For most of you, this authors name begins and ends with the much debated and oftentimes hated "American Psycho". Since I was such a young and innocent soul, reading about this character Patrick Bateman I was presented with something so beyond my realm of thought that it in fact captivated me to wanting to become him. Okay so try not to take that quite so literal, I'm not into killing folk but the idea and sheer madness you would need to posess such a soul brought me such intrigue.

I guess the phrase "he who is wants to be another" aptly applies here. Anyways, if you're into books of debauchery and absolute ludeness grab yourself a copy of Donleavy's finest "The Ginger Man".

Later.

She was...

...everything I could have ever
wanted and more

I touched her
smelled her
and danced with her

blissful nights were had
dreams shared
hearts pure

our moment
will not be forgotten