I've been there

"Very soon, I will have nothing more to say, and we will be sitting across
from each other at breakfast, completely devoid of banter; she will feel betrayed
and foolish, and I will suddenly find myself actively trying to avoid spending
time with a woman I didn't deserve to be with in the first place"

questions remain

Whether or not you feel something or not is arbitrary
questions remain to be answered as enemy lines have been drawn
people come and go but so will I
you remember things this day and the next
but then will you do something
will you smile for me again?

Untitled

So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.

- George Jung -

The Ginger Man and his influence

Just finished reading one of the most fascinating books ever. Set in Dublin, Ireland J.P. Donleavy's "The Ginger Man" is a glorious novel set around one scoundrel of a protagonist. The life of Sebastian Dangerfield in this picaresque story blew me away. I was floored at how one man could devilishly destroy the lives of so many people in such a charming and oftentimes poetic manner. His life was a dream of sorts, to have the wherewithal to scam your way through so many situations was not only fascinating but in a way admirable. I'm not saying I support his lifestyle choices but to read and see this characters actions gave me pause as to what it would be like to live as he does.

More importantly this isn't the first time I've been presented with such a charged and opposite personality than my own. As a young and naive faced 20 year old I read one intriguing and very disturbing book by the acclaimed and very celebrated Brett Easton Ellis. For most of you, this authors name begins and ends with the much debated and oftentimes hated "American Psycho". Since I was such a young and innocent soul, reading about this character Patrick Bateman I was presented with something so beyond my realm of thought that it in fact captivated me to wanting to become him. Okay so try not to take that quite so literal, I'm not into killing folk but the idea and sheer madness you would need to posess such a soul brought me such intrigue.

I guess the phrase "he who is wants to be another" aptly applies here. Anyways, if you're into books of debauchery and absolute ludeness grab yourself a copy of Donleavy's finest "The Ginger Man".

Later.

She was...

...everything I could have ever
wanted and more

I touched her
smelled her
and danced with her

blissful nights were had
dreams shared
hearts pure

our moment
will not be forgotten

Ughhh. so depressing....

Firstly I want to point out how much I love my new iPhone. Whomever the dork out there is who came up with the idea for this little bundle of adult joy truly needs to be hugged and kissed repeatedly or given some sort of oral sex, depending on which sex he or she is. I'm serious by the way. This fucking little toy blows my mind, I mean you can talk to your bud while searching for porn (hehe...if you know me y'know I'm not a
fan, but I mean come on that blip wouldn't have sounded as good had I used another example). Any who, I will admit that writing on your blog while using said toy is fun but tiresome. Where am I going with this?

Oh yeah, as my title will announce for you, I am depressed. Why? Well let me see, it's not summer just yet, I'm officially 30 and I can't hear out of my right ear (more on that in a later post). But hey those particulars are nothing compared to the article I've just read about the worlds greatest Pinot noir makers, Domaine de la Romanee Conti. Burgandies finest has proved insatiable for decades now. Producing the best Pinot imaginable. As an avid wine lover I'd always dreamt of tasting or sampling a bottle, but as I've learnt today that dream may never happen. Why? Because the shit is way more expensive than I'd originally thought, way more!

Okay so you're sitting there going," that's it, that's why you're upset, grow up" but I mean come on, this is sad, it's like learning that you, said grade 9 dork student will never ever have a chance at lacy lane the schools prettiest girl. I mean if you can't dream than what's the point in living. Okay so that might be a tad over dramatic but well you get my point.

To give you some idea of how expensive a bottle goes for think of this, a bottle of La Tache from 1990 went for a stagering 22,000 DOLLARS!!!! For ONE bottle!!!! Yikes!!! You rich french bastards, how dare you sell your wine that high, have you forgotten about the common man? Grrrrr! I do get it however, Yaletown rich pigs who drink grey goose need some expensive wines to boast to show off for
their hussy girlfriends. I get it. :)

Ah but I have a plan, I'm gonna move to France, use my french(thank you mom) and steal me some. The movie Robin Hood is coming out soon and I feel a little Russel Crowe in me. Speaking of Mr. Crowe, I actually met the guy once in Toronto. He was there filming the crap movie Cinderella man. I was out with my buddy one night at this bar called Hemingways, we were having a great time, being merry and such when all of a sudden i've gotta take a piss. Surprise, surprise!! Anyways while alone in said washroom relieving myself, in steps mr.
Crowe. Not realizing at first who'd just come in,( I was peeing so I couldn't see), when all of a sudden Russ is standing next to me with his Johnson out. Drunk as a skunk the boy peed away while babbling on and on. Standing there in such a precarious way I wasn't sure what to do, I mean how often do you get such a big celebrity right next to you all alone. Once, maybe twice in a lifetime. But how to proceed?

Before I continue I must list for you the edicate of the male urinal, especially for all you woman out there. Well it isn't a list per se but merely a guideline, keep your eyes forward or down and never ever look to your right or left. Sounds simple enough. Break these rules and you risk either seeing something very humourous or a black eye. Humourous usually happens...well at least that's what I've heard. Wink! Wink! :

Anyways so there I was, looking dead ahead trying to find a way in, what do i do? What do I do? It's my only chance! But just as I was about to Blurb out some stupid one liner, Russ jumps in and says "what's up?".

What? What? Who says that in the Jon?

Anyways, my celebrity drunkard companion finished before I did and left promptly after. So here in is my point, one I can really pee, what the hell Jamie, he started after you and finished before you! Second was my perplexed demeanour after his hello, I was at a loss, just as if I were in grade 9 and lacy lane had come in contact with me and said hi, I'd have been stunned and full of "bahhh ummm"

Anyways back to my robbery, I go in all bats styles and jump ship with a few cases. Easy peacy! Okay so I'm kidding, but it would be fun. Maybe I could piss on the grapes while I was in there. Hehe. :)

Long story short, I need to make more money!

Later.

Don't you care just enough?

I'll never be able to say goodbye
whenever someone talks of theirs
i try to pretend to not care,
to shake it off,
to shake you off.

It's been a long time,
a very long and hard fucking time.
where were you when I needed you,
when I need you now.

I dream every so often
that you never existed.

Don't you care just enough?
Don't you feel your heart stop?

I'm here, alive and well
all you have to do is find me,
say you're sorry.

All I want is for you to care
no I can't see it at all
you've missed out.
I'll never cry for you again, I'm done

Don't you care just enough??
Don't you feel your heart stop?

All I ever wanted was you
but I know you are afraid
your past is what you fear.

It's a long way down from here
you'll never forget what was yours
my dream of you is lost

Don't you care just enough?
Don't you feel your heart stop?

Will you take my hand
stand beside and run
if your heart stops will you say goodbye

will you let me pass?
Every shadow of me is you
this is the end

don't you try to explain
you can't, your frail and old
you've hit bottom

don't you care just enough?
Don't you feel your heart stop?

It's a long way out
it's a long way out